Relationship Lessons #2

In the Power of Radical Forgiveness, Colin Tipping talks about how our souls attract exactly what we need in order to evolve and the lessons keep repeating themselves until we actually do.

Until my early thirties, I lived a life steered by my mother wound. I looked upon women as weak and as boys as worth lauding, imitating. I was always “one of the boys”. The cool chick who drank whiskey like water.

At my boyfriend’s best friend’s wedding, when I was in my early twenties, instead of going to the spa/salon with the women, I chose to go with the boys to practice archery. Shooting arrows was just so much cooler than getting my nails done with a bunch of gossipy women.

That night, the night before his wedding, I was with my boyfriend in a hotel room… filled with bridegrooms. With my camera. Taking photos as they popped open the champagne, made lewd jokes, and generally did what boys do the night before one of their own is about to get married. I felt proud to be the only girl in this room! I felt so special. And no I wasn’t the official wedding photographer. Not even close. How little I knew!

Being a triple split definition in human design has been a boon and a curse. If I could I would just couple up with a man and spend the rest of my life in a little coccoon created between the two of us. I’ve been loking for some sort of safety and security and a place to hide for years now, that too outside of myself. A fear of growing up. Of taking control of my own life. Inserting myself into someone else’s life, and into his/her circle of friends because I don’t know how to make my own. Inserting myself into someone else’s lifestyle, because I don’t know how to create my own. Being a triple split definition has forced me to look outside of this coccoon and chase after a calling that’s beyond the settle down with family life.

Being with a man of single defintion in the Human Design system has been a curse and a boon. And some of the biggest lessons I have learned in this very painful relationship of three years include:

1. No one’s coming to save me. Ummm what?! No one’s coming to save me? But… how can I do life alone? Having been given every single whim and fancy fulfilled by partners, family, sister my entire life, I guess I never let myself grow into a woman. Oops. It was only when my partner yelled at me “You entitled brat!” that my entire world came tumbling down. First though, the Ego spoketh. “Entitled brat! How dare you, you asshole. Do you know what I’ve been through my whole life?” (No, what have you? Tell me.) Then weeks of disillusionment. Was he right? Or did he simply say that in anger. Weeks went by. Eventually, it didn’t matter what he had called me, I was reading books that came to me (books magically and mysteriously know exactly where to go and when. Books are not a physical entity. They are an entirely energetic entity) and I realized that I needed to… get a grip on myself.
2. Self-sovereignty. Not being coddled by my partner, at times receiving no validation at all, for my work, my emotions, my feelings, my definition of myself has forced me to find the answers to all of the above needs within myself.
3. Taking back one’s Power. His inability to change his behaviors that hurt me constantly presented me with the opportunity of blaming him (with support from friends, for the things he did were often atrocious), shaming him, victimizing myself, and slowly watching myself slip all the way down to rock bottom with a massive accumulated debt, no clients, no work, and no sense of self, but enjoying this journey of detriment, because really, it was all his fault. Taking back my own power after three years of this downward spiral, accepting him exactly the way he was not to give him leverage to continue being a “bad person” but in order to take back my own power and take back control of my own life felt so incredibly empowering. Then came a flood of all the things I have blamed on others my whole life — my sister never taught me about real estate or investing. My mother never validated my emotions as a child and continues to invalidate them. My father never taught me to be a good businesswoman. Taking back my own power, has helped me learn the things I want to learn on my own accord and be my own damn person.